Tag Archives: British

Buildaburger Conference 2nd March 2015 – British Pie Week – The long egg of limitless growth

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It’s British Pie Week 2015, or at least that’s what Jus-Rol want us to think. As you will be fully aware by now, I am not above jumping on the coattails of a commercial promotion in order to push my own message, so here is my first post of British Pie Week 2-8 March 2015. After my previous two failures to produce seven coherent (or even incoherent) posts for British Sausage Week 2013 and 2014, I am not going to promise a post every day, we’ll just see what comes out of the oven.
http://www.britishpieweek.co.uk/
http://www.jusrol.co.uk/default.aspx

Having just been in Sainsbury’s looking for some Indian sundries, the most obvious thing was staring me in the face from the chilled area of the deli counter. Yes, I’m sure you’ve already guessed, the pork and egg gala pie!

If you have never had one of these, you might be intrigued as to how it is made. The pies are normally made in oversized “loaves” a foot or more long. So how does every slice have a regularly-sized slice of egg, featuring both white and yolk?

The answer is the “long egg” and it’s not an egg. Well, it is egg, but it’s not an egg, it’s a reconstituted roll of egg whites and egg yolks, cooked hard and baked into a pork pie aka the “gala” pie. There is a video of the making of long eggs here.

I can’t help being reminded of the myth of limitless growth, the mantra of capitalists. The long egg is a manufactured fake, designed to fulfill an aesthetic ideology, but its genesis requires a Ponzi-esque re-imagining of reality in order to meet the requirements of it projected economy of scale.

I bought this single slice of gala pork pie (top), and in isolation, the beauty of its symmetry is undeniable, but common sense tells you that eventually, you are either going to get a narrow, yolkless end of a real egg, which might prepare you for a change in the economy, or else the sudden and unyielding bulwark of animal gelatin and pastry.

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Bulidaburger Conference 9th November 2014 – “Advisors” #buildaburgerconference #bilderberg #bilderberger

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It is reassuring, ironically, when you realise you are not the only one who sees war and money in every move by the government of the United States. However, it is a shame to be bolstered in your opinions by Trevor Timm’s article in The Guardian “The American fear-mongering machine is about to scare us back into war again”.

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/sep/10/american-fear-mongering-war-again-isis

As he observes “Of course, there are already ground troops in Iraq, fighting alongside the Kurds – we just call them “advisors”, which is another innocuous euphemism for special forces.”

This has got to be my new favourite euphemism, “advisors” – it could mean anything. In this context it means highly-motivated, well-equipped and well-trained individuals that are seeking to appeal to your heart and mind.

With extreme prejudice.

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On Remembrance Sunday, my “advice” is to say no to the hot dog and say yes to the sausage butty.

Bulidaburger Conference 5th November 2014 – The Bonfire of the Vanities

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Seeing as it is British Sausage Week and includes the 5th of November, that means it is Bonfire Night in the United Kingdom. Consequently, it would be foolish to ignore the British Parliament on a day as auspicious as this, especially as the humble banger is a food traditionally eaten on this day each year.

Not hot dogs, mind you, but the dirty tricks mentioned in this post are just as British as American.

I am, of course, referring to the strange behaviour of the press in the night.

Last week, Channel 4 News reported how the British Navy will be reducing its commitment to rescuing any sea-bound Libyan “migrants” attempting to reach Italy, and how from now on the Navy is going to effectively let them drown.

Actually, these desperate people are not economic migrants hoping to come over to Britain and scrounge a life loafing existing on benefits. No, they are refugees from the anarchy left by the US’s & UK’s intervention in Libya in 2011 under the euphemistic moniker of “Operation Freedom Falcon”.

This morning, a very strange story was reported on BBC Radio 4 about three Libyan soldiers, training in the UK, have been ejected for alleged rape and sexual assault.

Maybe you asked yourself the same question I asked myself. Why are Libyan soldiers being trained in Britain?

Well, The Guardian went into a little more depth than Radio 4’s lurid sex crime story. It turns out several thousand Libyan troops are being trained in Britain (at a cost to the Libyan government) in order to train them to keep peace in their own country.

It’s a shame the cadets in question could not keep their rockets in their pockets, but much worse is worse is the willful suppression of the real story rather than the lurid details of sexual assault.

It reminds me of that old protection racket cliché (to be read in an East London accent):

“It would be a shame if your country got a bit (ahem) broken, wouldn’t it? We could arrange for some of your boys to be trained up to look after it for you. For a small fee.”

I was almost at a loss for a sausage reference for this grotesque and ongoing injustice visited upon the people of Libya aka Bongo Bongo Land, but here is a photo of two hot dogs cooking over an open fire. Fill in the metaphors for yourself.

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US & UK “foreign policy”. Photo: Michelle Swift

Buildaburger Conference – British #SausageWeek 4 November 2014 – Day 2 The “Foreign Policy”

Screen shot 2014-11-04 at 19.24.33It seems that despite my natural skepticism, I am something of an optimist. I genuinely believed that I would be able to stomach a hot dog each day for a week, even if I would not normally indulge myself so.

However, I was defeated on day one.

But how hard could that be? It’s only a smoked sausage in a finger roll. How could all that promise, all that work to win my “heart and mind” result in such a cynical disappointment?

The thought of the extended balloon of meat-approximation that is the Frankfurter sausage naturally leads me to the next euphemism that I would like to feature as part of British Sausage Week 2014:

“Foreign policy”.

Despite the phrase’s (just like the sausage’s) neutral appearance, we all know that, to the government of the United States at least, “foreign policy” means invade the foreign country in question, steal its resources, kill its people, and (most often) leave said foreign country in anarchy once the United States’ “core interests” have been “secured” (I might write about “core interests” in a separate, sausage-related post).

Here is a partial transcript of President Barack Obama’s (the late great black hope) address to the United Nations General Assembly on 24th September 2013.

The United States of America is prepared to use all elements of our power, including military force, to secure these core interests in the region. We will confront external aggression against our allies and partners, as we did in the Gulf War. We will ensure the free flow of energy from the region to the world. Although America is steadily reducing our own dependence on imported oil, the world still depends upon the region’s energy supply, and a severe disruption could destabilize the entire global economy.

This is a threat not even thinly veiled and evident in half the countries in the Middle-East.

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My own “policy” deployed today was neither punitive nor paranoid, and the “securing” of one of my “core interests” this lunchtime was to seek solace in the bosom of the familiar surroundings and reliable comfort food of a sausage sandwich at the Rutland Arms in Sheffield, UK.

Buildaburger Conference 2014 on 22nd June at the Rutland Arms, Sheffield, UK

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The first Buildaburger Conference will be held at the Rutland Arms in Sheffield on 22nd June 2014 2-5pm. There will be a series of presentations followed by building a burger in the pub afterwards.

It’s a free event and all welcome. If you would like to read your own food-based political or social satire, please contact me at richard@richardbolam.net.

Buildaburger Conference – 11 December 2013 – Sausages for Peace & Gandhi’s Gravy of Truth

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I have always been very productive, but even I have slow times. You might have noticed that I didn’t manage to complete the full 7 days of my overly elaborate anti-war “Sausages For Peace” satire for British Sausage Week. A few life issues and work commitments conspired against me and I had to admit defeat, or at least defer victory.

I’m rather pleased with the logo and I might resurrect the idea next year with a bit more preparation. After all, giving peace a chance requires eternal vigilance.

What you see in this picture is Cumberland sausages with mashed potatoes, sprouts, cabbage, broccoli and most important of all, onion gravy.

Please note, this is proper British gravy, not that North American “gravy”. It doesn’t matter if you use the same word, it’s not the same thing. And neither is Bisto.

There is no a single route to proper gravy but my own savoury journey begins with fried onions and garlic, includes the fat and juices from the meat, diluted with boiling water and vegetable stock, a dash of Hendo’s and thickened with cornflour.

Thoughts of gravy naturally lead me to Mohandas K. Gandhi, not exactly my role model, but nevertheless my inspiration. Gandhi coined the Sanskrit word “Satyagraha” which means truth with firmness, and to me it means sticking to your guns, although Gandhi would probably not have liked that turn of phrase. It means standing by what you know to be right and holding out whatever happens.

It seems to me that Western imperialism is symbolised by the bastardisation of true gravy into the rhetoric of sound-alike lubricants and the salty, granulated emulsion that bears the same name.

In India, Gandhi led protests that brought about the end of the British salt monopoly by making his own salt and not paying tax to the British. I urge you to follow his example, shun the the government gravy trains and go DIY.

We all have setbacks, but despite my own failings, I remain true to my convictions. Do not believe the gravy propaganda. Remain firm, remain true, accept no imitations and always insist on proper gravy.