It seems cogently symmetrical that in the same week it is announced that actor Peter Capaldi (famous for playing foul-mouthed Malcolm Tucker in UK tv’s “The Thick of It”) is to be the next Dr. Who, a project funded by one of Google’s founders has created the world’s first lab-grown “real” meat burger. So, to commiserate with the symbolic passing of the red-blooded Tucker Burger’s zenith towards the forthcoming nadir of bland homogeny that will be the bloodless Who Burger, here are my thoughts on Google Meat™ in the style of the soon-to-be-gagged Malcolm Tucker. I have bleeped it for the sensitive readers amongst you.
(If you have never seen Malcolm Tucker in action, I recommend watching a bit on YouTube in order to establish the voice).
“What’s wrong with this picture? What’s f*cking right with it? This conference is called f*cking “build-a-burger” conference, not “culture a f*cking burger in a vat from the un-f*cking-divided f*cking stem cells of a f*cking cow’s c*nt” conference. I’d rather suck pig sh*t through the intestines of f*cking rat than eat that f*cking skidmark. It looks like something Gordon f*cking Ramsay left in the f*cking sh*tter! Heston f*cking c*nt-f*cking Bloomenthal will be sh*tting f*cking meteorites when he realises he’s missed out on this particular wankfest of f*cking self-con-f*cking-gratulatory t*rdflakes.
And what the flying f*cktardis is all that other f*cking crap on the plate? It looks like the contents of Jamie f*cking Oliver’s f*cking ball-sack!
AND THAT F*CKING BUN IS NOT F*CKING TOASTED!”